March 27, 2012
Posted In: Disney

My Birth Control

My in-laws just came for a visit with their 6 yo, 3yo, and 12 month baby. One of the things they wanted to do was “Disney World.”
It seems that many people do not realize that Disney World is actually FOUR theme parks. The theme park with Cinderella’s castle and that most resembles Disneyland is actually called “Magic Kingdom.”  The others are Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios.
Each theme park is broken down further by similarly themed attractions. For example, in Magic Kingdom there is “Tomorrow Land” and “Fantasy Land” and “Adventure Land.”
I have no idea why they purchased Hopper passes (allows you to visit multiple parks in a single day and costs about $20 extra per day per ticket) because we couldn’t even make it through a single LAND at the Magic Kingdom let alone the whole theme park.

We spend 3 days total at Disney World, one day in each of the parks, except for Epcot.
Each day went like this plus or minus 20 minutes:
7:30 The kids are wide awake despite the fact that it’s technically 5:30 in their old time zone. Jet lag has no effect on them. They scream demands incessantly and argue over who gets to play with the Ipad rather than getting dressed.
8:00-8:20  My husband and I wake up and get dressed, pack lunch, and are ready to leave.
8:30 Kids start eating breakfast
9:30 Everyone is dressed but Mom of Kids is still packing lunches. Park opened half an hour ago and it’s an hour and a half drive from our house to Orlando.
10:30 We are all in car and out the door.
11:30 Stop at the side of the road and buy Gator Jerky, boiled peanuts, and a bag of Florida oranges for the road. Or fill up with gas. Or pick up some important forgotten item  at the store on our way out.
I actually love how efficient Disney parking is.
12:00  Arrive at the theme park parking lot. 3yo says he has to pee and is doing the dance even though he went before leaving the house. We are in the parking lot where there isn’t a bathroom and he refuses to go behind the back of the car.  (Seriously this kid has a straight tube for a bladder.)
12:15 Arrive at front gate. Dad of Kids rushes 3yo to bathroom. Barely makes it in time. 6 yo says she has to pee now. Wait some more. Mom decides to check yo’s diaper. It’s dirty.
1:00 In the park. (I’ll use Magic Kingdom for my example.)
1:15 Castle show. 6 yo liked.  3yo bored after 7 minutes and crying because dad left the Ipad in the car.
1:30 Attraction: Monster’s Inc. Laugh Floor, 25 minute wait.  Grab Fast Pass for Buzz Light year.
2:00 Lunch time. $9 for a hamburger and fries plus $3 for a drink—per person.
3:00 Attraction: It’s a Small World, 20 minute wait (This is actually in Fantasy Land, right next to Tomorrow Land.)
3:30 Bathroom break
4:00 (Yes, it does take a half hour to apparently change diapers and to convince the 3yo he needs to go potty.) Listen to 3 yo cry because we’re not going on the carousel because we have to get back to use the Buzz Light Year fast pass.
4:15 Attraction:  Buzz Light Year ride, 10 minute wait with FP
4:30  Snack time. Ice Cream and whatever mom packed in cooler.
5:00 Attraction: People Mover, 10 minute wait. Grab Fast Pass for Space Mountain.
Lawn mower engine go-karts on a track.

5:15 Tomorrow Land Speedway, 30 minute wait

5:45 3 yo still crying because 6 yo got a “Driver License” card from one of the  Disney attraction workers  and he didn’t.
6:00 Go to Fantasy Land to ride carousel to get 3yo to shut up.
6:15 Attraction: Prince Charming’s Carousel. Husband and I go to Phillarmagic 4D show because it’s air conditioned and you get to sit down.
4D means it’s in 3D and it spits water/air at you and sometimes stinky/nice scents.

6:30 In-laws and kids decide they want to see the show too.

6:45 Back to Tomorrow Land because there’s no way we’re waiting 90 minutes to go on “Winnie the Pooh” or “Peter Pan’s Flight” and kids are too fussy to walk to anything on the other side of the park.
Rotating theater featuring an antimatronics show from 1964.

7:00 1 yo is sleeping so kids go on Carousel of Progress  with Dad of Kids while Mom of Kids sits with stroller.

7:30 Space Mountain with Fast Pass. 3 yo cries because he’s too short.
8:00 Other parent goes on Space Mountain. 3 yo cries again. Fireworks show. 

Best ride in the park.
8:15 Walk down Main Street, browsing shops on the way out.
8:30 Bathroom break before car ride back. 3yo refuses to go.
9:00  Leave park. Mom and Dad too annoyed wit their own kids to stay for electrical parade.
Sorry Pete, 3yo would rather watch Spiderman 3 in the car’s DVD player. Seriously, who needs to spend a few thousand dollars on a vacation when it seems the kids are just as happy watching TV in the hotel all day rather than in the park.

10:30 Arrive back at house. 3yo noisy all the way home. 1 yo cries half the ride home.  I now understand why serial killers start with animals and small children.

10:45 My bubble bath time, where I strangle my loofah sponge with all my balled up anger until it resembles dehydrated fruit.With my last bit of sanity, I remind myself to call my doctor tomorrow and have her make me an appointment to have my tubes tied.


  1. Mark Fenger

    Not all kids are like that you know?

    Especially if you don't let them spend too much time with iPads and such.

    The whole story actually turns me off Disney International World Dominance Inc. more than kids. Yet another reason I'm glad my kids enjoy Studio Ghibli films more than Disney films (not that they've seen many).

  2. Morgan

    Ah-hahahaha!!!!! I love it. Sorry, I'm laughing!

    It's soooo true. Birth control is a good thing, LOL.

    We went to Disney world for a Make-A-Wish trip and even with all the special perks, it was HARD. I swear the whole time, the kids only wanted to play at the playground which we could've found at the nearest school. Funny. Thanks for the entertaining post 😉

  3. Brinda

    You are hilarious. I'm sorry your day turned out less than special. I love Disney World. 🙂 I also only had one child to take to the parks. He behaved.

  4. Alex J. Cavanaugh

    Yet another reminder of why I don't have kids!

  5. S.P. Bowers

    Hilarious post. And there are days that feel like that. But most days aren't. I totally agree about spending that much money when kids would be happy playing at a park. Save the money for when they can remember and appreciate it.

  6. Elliot Grace

    …oh yeah, good times. Took our three kids there a few years ago…which explains the lingering therapy bills 😉

    Fun post,


  7. Kim

    So funny Kim! The bottom line is, kids are a lot of work and try your last nerve until it snaps. Better to know now that it is something you do not want than to have them and end up in therapy!

  8. Lydia Kang

    The end of this was the best. I thought you were going to twist your own tubes shut, LOL!

  9. Jackie

    So, when we visit, you won't come with us to Disney World? hehe

    Your post cracked me up!!! 😀

  10. Botanist

    Birth control is too late for me 🙂 but this post reminds me why I refuse to contemplate the Disney experience. Maybe when they're old enough to look after themselves, but not until then.

    Luckily, my two are fairly easy to please (electronics aside). They love the more outdoors-ey activities like water tubing, or aerial obstacle courses.

  11. AuthorAlden

    Haha, awesome post. My girlfriend and I are theme park junkies, but I'm very aware that a large reason for that is not having kids to babysit on our trips. Universal is usually our destination of choice, but we've seen all of Disney World as well.

    The main reason we love them is because it's like visiting another world where you're normal cares and responsibilities are nowhere to be found. Having kids definitely seems to dampen that part of the experience…

  12. Sarah

    Hey, at least they'll go home at the end of the visit, and your life will return to normal. Hang in there.

  13. Weaver

    So sorry it went that way. Yes, kids and really be taxing. Sometimes it's lack of discipline on the parenting end, but in a situation like this, I think some of the kids were too young to appreciate a day like this. I'd have gotten a sitter for the two youngest, who really are old enough to appreciate any of it. Kids also get over excited about things which can really mess with their dispositions.

    I also realized when we took our six kids to Disneyland that their vision of the wonderful vacation wasn't necessarily what I'd been dreaming. When dreams collide there's always tears. I had to be the adult and step back for them.

  14. Jay Noel

    Yikes. That's why I'm waiting until our kids are just a little bit older before we go. Youngest is 5…he's just about ready.

    Can't imagine bringing one in diapers to Disney World.

  15. Connie Keller

    I actually don't "get" theme parks. All the people are too much for me. So our kids have only been once when their grandparents took them, and they were aged 13 to 19. Phew!

  16. Golden Eagle

    That sounds stressful. Though it was a bit funny. 🙂

  17. Margo Berendsen

    Grinning to myself that my instincts to wait until kids are older were probably very wise, after reading this!!! Love all the bathroom breaks 🙂

  18. Luana Krause

    Kimberlee: This is hilarious. I'm more anti-theme park than anti kid (I have two kids and four grandkids). But I have friends and in-laws who take their kids there every chance they get. I have no idea how they can stand it.

  19. Melodie

    Oh ouch. You are so brave for going there w/ them. I would've bailed on sight. IMO, those kids were too young.
    However, in defense of parenthood, the reason WHY your inlaws endure? LOVE. More than their own lives. And until you experience it for yourself, you'll always be outside, puzzled/frustrated/clueless, looking in.

  20. Anonymous

    I always loved Epcot as a kid. I was weird.

Who is Kimberlee Turley?

Kimberlee Turley grew up in California where she earned a degree in Fashion Design from FIDM in 2005. Soon after, she married her husband, who was neither Mr. Darcy nor Edward Cullen, but he’d read her atrocious first novel and said it was “good” with a straight face.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This